


Catch Them All (or die trying)

by LeapAngstily



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bad Puns, CRACK CRACK CRACKITY CRACK, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Ficlets with or without plot, Fluff fluff fluffity fluff, Gen, Gigi the cute lapdog, Mentions of illegal drugs, Pazzolivo existing in every universe, Pokemon AU, Shameless misuse of the original merchandise
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-01
Updated: 2014-04-21
Packaged: 2018-01-17 19:33:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1399819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeapAngstily/pseuds/LeapAngstily
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pokémon AU. Kaká used to be the ultimate Pokémon Champion, but now he is stuck training a bunch of baby Pokémon of various levels of uselessness. Can he reach the top again, or will he lose his mind before achieving his goals?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meet our heroes

**Author's Note:**

> Because every self-respecting fandom should have a Pokémon AU (or a dozen).   
> Basically this is me dealing with Milan’s current problems.  
> Written as interconnected ficlets, because that way I can just keep playing around with this universe until I grow bored with it.
> 
> Special credit goes to my roommate and partner in crime, Nanna, who spent many evenings making up Pokémon names and plot lines with me, and who's been putting up with me for ages and hasn't kicked me out of the apartment even once!

_I_  
  
The Pokédex bleeps happily as it recognizes the species.  
  
“Bonbunny, a fairy type Pokémon. This friendly rabbit-like Pokémon grows attached easily and—”  
  
“Yes yes, I know Bonbunny, try the next one!” Kaká tells the device and shakes it to erase the picture of a white and pink furball and replace it with either of the Pokémon cuddled next to it.  
  
“Pazzohog, earth type evolution of Hoglet. Its spikes can puncture even rock if it feels threatened. This Pokémon is a loner and rarely gets along with others.”  
  
The brown and yellow hedgehog huffs in his sleep, as if to disagree, and happily cuddles closer to his green and yellow companion. Bonbunny follows suit, his floppy ears covering the third Pokémon almost completely.  
  
“Montohog, leaf type evolution of Hoglet. Its spikes are similar to needles of pine trees, but much sharper when necessary. This Pokémon is a loner and rarely gets along with others.”  
  
“You two bring shame to your species,” Kaká whispers with a laugh as he puts the Pokédex away and makes a mental note to tell Professor Ancelotti that the database needs to be updated.  
  
The pile of Pokémon next to him sniff in agreement, trying to move even closer together until it is impossible to tell where a bunny ends and a hedgehog begins.  
  
  
 _II_  
  
“No, I’m serious, Professor!” Kakà scoffs into the pay phone, rubbing his forehead in hopes of making the headache go away, “They’re not going to their Pokéballs! They’re just clinging to each other and looking at me like I’m supposed to know how to put them into the same ball!”  
  
He looks over his shoulder to Montohog and Pazzohog, happily rolling around the ground in a one big spiky ball, unsuccessfully trying to tackle Bonbunny into the grass.  
  
“I told you it wasn’t good to be so lenient with them. You should’ve separated them from the start,” Professor Ancelotti tells him, but Kakà can hear he is trying to keep himself from laughing at his student’s misery.  
  
Kakà never thought it would end up like this when he first picked up the two little Hoglets, so attached to each other that he could not bring himself to put them into Pokéballs.  
  
He had thought they would grow out of it, because all the Hoglet evolutions were supposed to be fiercely independent and even hostile to other Pokémon.  
  
Now he is stuck with two mutually dependent hedgehogs that are technically not even his, because he has never managed to catch them into their own balls.  
  
He still carries the balls around on his belt, just in case. At least no one has ever questioned the origin of his Pokémon when he has used them in battle.  
  
“You’re going to your own ball now, mister,” he tells Bonbunny as he ends the phone call and starts picking up his stuff to continue his journey.  
  
How on earth can a fluffy bunny look so disapproving, Kakà does not even want to know. He points the Pokéball at him anyways, and with a last longing look at his friends, Bonbunny transforms into a sparkly beam and disappears into his ball.  
  
“ _That’s_  how proper Pokémon do it,” Kakà tells the other two with a roll of his eyes before crouching down to pick them up gently, “So, you wanna travel on the backpack today?”  
  
  
 _III_  
  
Kakà can smell something burning before he actually feels the hotness through his jeans.  
  
“Crap!” he hisses as he hurries to snatch one of his Pokéballs off his belt and immediately drops it to the ground when it burns his fingers as well.  
  
The ball pops open and a small winged lizard comes out with a distressed  _“Telli!”_ , its scales sparking with barely suppressed flames and the mohawk hair already in full flames.  
  
Kakà is yet to see what Pyrotelli’s real colours are, as they are always covered with different shades of charred blacks and greys over the reddish hues of his flames underneath. Just as the colours begin to clear again, there is another spontaneous explosion and the cycle starts again.  
  
“Don’t worry, you’ll get a hang of it eventually,” he tries to comfort the lizard after the flames begin to die around him. He is met with a miserable sneeze as Pyrotelli tries to cough off the excess coal from his nose.  
  
Pyrotelli is one of the strongest ones among his new Pokémon, but unfortunately that makes him also the most dangerous one – especially to himself and Kakà.  
  
“Seadorf, I choose you,” Kakà recites as he picks up another Pokéball and his old trusty seal appears next to the lizard.  
  
“Mind putting out the fires before they spread?” Kakà asks sheepishly, pointing towards the small wildfire at the side of the road. At least this time they were not in the middle of a forest.  
  
Seadorf shoots out the fires with water from his mouth with practiced ease before wobbling to comfort Pyrotelli who has started sulking now.  
  
Kakà does not know whether the Pokémon actually understand each other, but at least Pyrotelli seems to cheer up after ten minutes of enthusiastic  _“Sea sea sea seadoooorf”_ s.  
  
  
 _IV_  
  
The hike to the next gym is either one week over the mountains or three going around them.  
  
Getting there fast is the key, but the mountains are also filled with fierce wild Pokémon as well as trainers that have already collected their badges, now only waiting for the final tournament while wiping off the competition whenever they get a chance.  
  
These moments are the ones when Kakà really misses his old Maldineagle who could just fly them straight to their destination.  
  
“Mon!” Montohog pokes one of Kakà’s Pokéballs with his nose as if to respond to his unvoiced complaints, releasing the small bird with a mohawk far too big for his small skull.  
  
“Sorry, you’re a bit too small to carry us over the mountains,” Kakà tells the pigeon with an amused laugh and reaches out to pet his head.  
  
El Pidgeewy is his newest Pokémon, caught after one of Pyrotelli’s explosions burned his nest to the ground and the gutsy little bird refused to let them go without a fight.  
  
“Maybe we’ll find something small enough for you to fight in the mountains,” Kakà tells the bird with a smile, “So you’ll level up and become big and strong like Maldineagle.”  
  
El Pidgeewy chirps excitedly and pecks Kakà’s nose affectionately before making a pointedly inelegant landing next to Montohog who looks impossibly pleased with himself.  
  
When Montohog climbs on the bird’s back and they start flying around the meadow – El Pidgeewy just strong enough to stay in air with the extra weight – Pazzohog starts nibbling Kakà’s ear with displeased sounds that Kakà interprets as jealousy.  
  
“He’ll be back soon,” he assures the hedgehog, feeding him a piece of his lunch sandwich to appease him, “Or you could go into your Pokéball to show him who’s the mature one in your relationship.”  
  
“Pazzo!” Pazzohog bites Kakà’s ear again in protest, much harder this time, and Kakà knows he kind of deserved it for even suggesting such a thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go! I'll probably come back to this universe when I feel the need for mindless crack again. I have so many future ideas for this AU it's not even funny!  
> I'll try to get around to drawing the Pokémon at some point as well, although it's been ages since I drew anything in comics style so I'm not making any promises...


	2. Meet the old friends

_V_  
  
“Leaf type? Seriously, Ricky?” Cristiano laughs at him, but it is more in disbelief than malice, “You know the leaf type is the most useless one of Hoglet’s evolutions, don’t you?”  
  
Kakà has to keep a hold of enraged Pazzohog to keep him from leaping off his shoulder and interfering with the battle – the first out of three, Montohog versus Hitmonpepe.  
  
“Shouldn’t have said that,” he merely notes as the fighting type Pokémon tries to kick Montohog and only ends up with a foot full of green needles, “He’s a bit of a drama queen, just like you.”  
  
The battle ends quickly, with Hitmonpepe looking like a greenish pincushion and Montohog safely back on Kakà’s shoulder, clinging to Pazzohog gleefully.  
  
Pazzohog is getting ready to leap again, anxious to show Cristiano just how wrong he was when he insulted  _his_  Montohog. Kakà takes a hold of him again, “Not this time, your level’s too low to battle what’s coming next.”  
  
The Pyrotelli versus Ramosquito battle is going well for Kakà – the fire lizard keeping the bug at bay with well aimed shots of fire that block the poisonous stings flying his way – until Pyrotelli explodes again, setting the grass around himself on fire.  
  
Cristiano’s last choice is unsurprisingly Ikerion, the perfect level fire lion he has been nurturing since the beginning of his career.  
  
Kakà knows none of his current Pokémon come even close to the level that could beat this opponent, so instead of the obvious choice of Seadorf, he decides to take the chance to level up Bonbunny.  
  
Cristiano is apparently close to laughing again, but this time he refrains from commenting, the embarrassing loss to Montohog still in fresh memory.  
  
“Bonbunny, use cuddle,” Kakà says with an amused smirk, enjoying the confusion of Cristiano’s face.  
  
“Bon!” the bunny hops over to the feline and drapes himself around a huge paw. Kakà can practically see the sparkle of fairy magic surrounding the confused lion, and he is not at all surprised that it takes Ikerion three tries before he manages to lay one attack on Bonbunny.  
  
They lose nonetheless, but it is a little victory to Bonbunny when Ikerion is immediately fussing over him, making sure he is not critically injured.  
  
  
 _VI_  
  
“I don’t get it. You used to have all those perfect level Pokémon and now you look like you’re preparing for a cuteness contest!”  
  
Cristiano is smiling knowingly, which tells Kakà he gets it much better than he cares to admit. They have known each other since they got their first Pokémon from Professor Ancelotti: little Ikitty for Cristiano and Shevachu for Kakà.  
  
“I’ve still got Seadorf,” he replies airily, feeding Pokè Snacks to Montohog and Pazzohog curled up in his lap while Cristiano cooks them dinner over the campfire, “I’m not allowed to go to the League with the same team anyways.”  
  
“Well, you always liked cute things. Didn’t even let Shevachu evolve,” Cristiano laughs and reaches out to pet the hedgehogs, but pulls his hand away immediately when Pazzohog bites his finger.  
  
“Don’t think you’ll be forgiven that easily. You insulted his other half,” Kakà notes with a raised eyebrow before giving another treat to Pazzohog who in turn gives it to his friend.  
  
“Not cute at all,” Cristiano mutters, bringing his hurt finger to his lips.  
  
  
 _VII_  
  
“You’re still not letting Fábiferret level up, are you?” Kakà asks Cristiano when the hedgehogs finally fall asleep – damn eavesdroppers, Kakà is sure they spy on his every other conversation, trying to find blackmail material on him, not caring how insane it sounds.  
  
“Of course I am, I just need to find easier opponents for him,” Cristiano answers with a shrug, but Kakà recognizes the feigned nonchalance.  
  
“He’s not a pet Cris,” he pushes, “Pokémon are meant for battle, you can’t shelter him from everything! He’ll never be a proper companion for you if you don’t train him properly.”  
  
“Like you’re training your Pokémon? You can’t even make them go into their balls for the night!” Cristiano retorts quickly, throwing a glance at the pile of a bunny and two hedgehogs a few feet away from them.  
  
“They like the company, it has no effect on their battle performances,” Kakà rolls his eyes at Cristiano’s attempt to change the subject, “You could battle El Pidgeewy. God knows he needs some training too.”  
  
They stay silent for a long time after that, Cristiano stubbornly staring at the fire while Kakà contemplates the time Cristiano picked up Fábiferret, beaten up and malnourished, abandoned by his former trainer.  
  
That was years ago, and still Cristiano is too scared to let him battle.  
  
“Thanks, Ricky,” Cristiano’s voice is almost too quiet to hear, but Kakà cannot help but smile at his hesitant and yet so decisive tone.  
  
  
 _VIII_  
  
Kakà barely recognizes Fábiferret as the same Pokémon he saw years ago, as the ferret drapes himself comfortably around Cristiano’s neck, snuggling as close as he can, yellow fur shining and brown eyes sparkling with adoration as he looks at his trainer.  
  
“El Pidgeewy, I choose you,” the pigeon emerges out of the ball chirping happily, flying a few rounds around Cristiano before settling on Kakà’s shoulder.  
  
The fight does not really look like much if you are used to seeing Pokémon League level battles on a regular basis: Fábiferret’s electric shocks are not powerful enough to stun El Pidgeewy, but on the other hand El Pidgeewy is not fast enough to get a proper hit on the sneaky little ferret.  
  
But the Pokémon are having fun, and Cristiano is laughing too when Fábiferret goes to him, obviously miffed that his attacks have no visible effect, and that is enough for now.  
  
“See? He likes to battle, when it’s for you,” Kakà tells Cristiano before he orders El Pidgeewy to use the whirlwind attack.  
  
He is so engrossed with the battle he does not even notice that his hedgehogs are gone – not before livid Pazzohog rushes back to the camp, dripping wet and Montohog nowhere to be found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I totally couldn't stay away more than a couple of hours. This thing is addictive!


	3. Meet the strangers

_IX_  
  
“Paz paz pazzo paz pazzooo,” Pazzohog keeps squirming and babbling as Kakà tries his best to dry him before letting him down again.  
  
“Now calm down. What happened? Where’s Montohog?”  
  
Kakà’s question is met with another stream of Pokémon talk, the distraught hedgehog getting obviously frustrated when his trainer does not seem to catch the severity of the situation.  
  
Pazzohog’s brown eyes are almost impossibly large and Kakà could swear he can see tears glistering in them. It takes a lot for a Pokémon to cry.  
  
“Okay, just show me the way,” he says and the hedgehog bolts back into the woods immediately, Kakà and Cristiano in tow.  
  
“How can he move so fast with such short feet?” Cristiano asks as he jogs next to Kakà, “Speed isn’t supposed to be his strength, is it?”  
  
“These two aren’t exactly typical examples of their species,” Kakà retorts and picks up his pace when Pazzohog disappears into the bushes, his constant babbling the only thing guiding them.  
  
They come to a flooding river, the rapid stream of water from the melting snow rushing down the mountain. Pazzohog comes to a full stop at a place where the ground has obviously been broken and washed away along with the water.  
  
The hedgehog looks absolutely miserable, watching longingly down the stream, the earlier babble reduced into a sad “Pazzo…”  
  
“So he fell into the river?” Kakà asks as he picks up his Pokémon, keeping his voice gentle, “And you tried to help but the stream was too strong?”  
  
Pazzohog nods morosely, his nose quivering like he was about to cry.  
  
“Don’t worry, Montohog’s tough,” Kakà assures him resolutely, forcing his own worry out of his voice, “We’ll walk back downstream. I’m sure we’ll find him.”  
  
  
 _X_  
  
Montohog is clinging to a branch sticking from a fallen tree trunk just by the river, the cold water washing over him, making his fur feel cold and sticky, clogging his sensible nose and making it hard to breathe.  
  
Pazzohog will come for him, he will just have to be patient and Pazzohog will come with Kakà and he will be warm and safe again. Maybe Bonbunny will be there to cuddle with him as well.  
  
The water is  _really_  cold and the branch is slipping under his small paws.  
  
“Monto…”  
  
Montohog feels miserable, and he wants his Pazzohog here to make it go away.  
  
He can hear the sounds of something approaching, something big, even over the roar of the rushing stream. Great, just what he needed, a big scary monster thing coming to eat him.  
  
“Mon!” he shoots a needle in the direction of the scary sounds just in case – maybe it will drive the big thing away before it finds him.  
  
“Gi?” the big black thing is now looming over Montohog.  
  
It is huge, even bigger than Ikerion – Montohog likes Ikerion, he let Montohog and Pazzohog play with his mane yesterday – and it is looking at Montohog with ice blue eyes, mean and scary, and Montohog really wishes he could roll into a ball to get away from it.  
  
The branch is shaking as the big monster thing comes closer and then Montohog can feel large jaws closing around him.  
  
  
 _XI_  
  
Andrea has just lit the campfire when he can hear the pounding of Gigihound’s paws against the ground as the dog rushes back to the camp, carrying something that looks like a green ball in his mouth.  
  
“What’ve I told you about eating stuff you’re unfamiliar with?” he asks in exasperation as the hound drops his prize and shakes himself to get rid of the pine needles stuck in his fur.  
  
Except the needles seem to be increasing instead of falling off, and Gigihound lets out a displeased bark, looking at Andrea accusingly, like he is supposed to know what is happening.  
  
Andrea gets up and walks over to take a closer look at the little ball that is, in fact, still shooting green needles at Gigihound with surprising precision.  
  
Gigihound rushes over to Andrea and presses himself against his legs, staring at the green ball that is now merely shivering in the ground. Now Andrea notices that the creature is dripping wet, much more so than what Gigihound’s drool could ever cause.  
  
“Let’s see what the dog dragged in…” he mutters as he picks up his Pokédex.  
  
“Montohog, leaf type evolution of Hoglet. Its spikes are similar to needles of pine trees, but much sharper when necessary. This Pokémon is a loner and rarely gets along with others.”  
  
“Looks like you found us an uncooperative little fellow, pal,” he tells Gigihound with a snigger as the dog whines again and tries to shake away the needles stuck on his snout.  
  
  
 _XII_  
  
To Andrea’s surprise, Montohog does not attempt to run away from the camp – probably too exhausted to move anymore after his fierce attack on Gigihound.  
  
Andrea tried to capture him in a Pokéball in hopes of making him recover faster, but another serial fire of needles blocked the attempt.  
  
“You’d be warmer by the fire,” Andrea tells the little creature as he places a blanket a few feet away from him, not daring to go closer yet, “I’ll leave some food for you here. Don’t worry, I’m not trying to poison you.”  
  
The hedgehog sniffs out a stubborn “Mon!” and turns his back to the blanket and the snacks on it, though still keeping a close eye on Gigihound who is lurking close by, determined to find out more about their little guest.  
  
“Don’t try anything,” Andrea tells the dog, who in turn lets out an offended “Gigi!”, obviously deeply insulted that Andrea would even think he could not be sensible when needed.  
  
Only five minutes later Gigihound lets out a howl of pain and backs away from Montohog again, a fresh handful of needles sticking from his nose.  
  
“Told you so,” Andrea laughs as he pulls off the green spikes, “This one’s a feisty little camper.”  
  
“Monto!” the hedgehog agrees from his spot – Andrea is fairly sure he has moved closer to the blanket – his nose quivering just slightly as the smell of the snacks reach him.  
  
Andrea focuses on his own dinner, letting the hedgehog be for a while.  
  
When he finally looks over his shoulder again, the food is gone and there is a little Montohog-shaped ball buried somewhere between the folds of the blanket.


	4. Meet Montohog

_XIII_  
  
“Monto! Mon mon monto mon moooon!” Montohog is babbling animatedly, pointing at things around the camp and making weird faces, obviously getting into his story – and making absolutely no sense to poor Andrea.  
  
“Slow down, I have no idea what you’re saying,” he tells the hedgehog with a laugh, giving half of his sandwich to him to make him shut up for a while.  
  
Montohog sniffs the piece of bread carefully before taking a huge bite of it, munching happily on the treat.  
  
Who would have thought the suspicious, even hostile little Pokémon from last night could turn into this overly social loud thing with only a little food and some sleep.  
  
“Weren’t you supposed to be unsociable?” Andrea asks as Montohog chokes on a too big piece of bread and starts coughing, a few green spikes shooting out of his back, missing Gigihound only by an inch, “You’re actually quite a cute little guy, aren’t you? You got a trainer somewhere, don’t you?”  
  
There is no way a wild Montohog could be this used to people.  
  
“Mon…” the hedgehog replies sadly as his coughing ceases, his light blue eyes downcast and nose quivering, “Monto mon mon.”  
  
While Andrea still cannot understand what Montohog is saying, Gigihound certainly can: he whines morosely and lays his head on Andrea’s lap. The head is followed by the whole dog when Andrea makes a mistake to scratch his ears absent-mindedly.  
  
The trainer does not even bother to remind the hound that he is not exactly a lapdog anymore – not since he evolved from a Gigipup years ago.  
  
“So you’re lost?” the question is met by a nod and a whimper, “Wanna stick around for a while? I’m sure your trainer’ll come looking for you sooner or later.”  
  
Montohog lets Andrea pet his spikes, pushing back against his hand affectionately, and Andrea takes that as a yes.  
  
Montohog still shoots a needle at Gigihound’s snout when the dog tries to touch him, but now it seems more like playful teasing than actually threatening.  
  
  
 _XIV_  
  
Montohog refuses to go to sleep even as the darkness falls into the forest, determined to wait for any kind of a sign of his missing trainer.  
  
“Fine, do as you like,” Andrea scoffs as he crawls into his sleeping bag after another failed attempt to make the hedgehog leave his chosen spot, perched on a lower branch of a small tree at the edge of the clearing.  
  
Gigihound settles down next to his trainer, but Andrea notices he keeps his eyes trained on Montohog, protectively watching over him.  
  
Andrea thinks he will never understand the Pokémon logic – or maybe it is just Gigihound logic – but at some point the dog has labelled the green ball determined to attack him at any given chance as  _his to protect_.  
  
Andrea is just about to fall asleep when he feels the small creature climbing over him, carefully wobbling over his chest, looking for a comfortable spot until finally settling down at the crook of his neck, tentatively cuddling into his beard.  
  
Andrea feigns sleep, waiting what will happen next. After a moment he can feel Montohog sighing into his neck, getting more comfortable and relaxing into the comfort of his body heat.  
  
Andrea manages to fall asleep only once he is certain his little companion is safely in the dreamlands.  
  
  
 _XV_  
  
After the initial rise in form, Montohog’s condition takes a drastic turn to the worse again: his spikes are drooping, the shine in his eyes gone, and his appetite has disappeared completely – he barely even sniffs the food Andrea offers him.  
  
Andrea catches him looking longingly into the woods more than once, like hoping to see a familiar figure emerging from the bushes.  
  
The hedgehog is visibly shivering from cold as Andrea crouches down to take a closer look at him, even though he is snuggled next to Gigihound for extra warmth.  
  
“Come here,” he offers his hand to Montohog who climbs onto his palm immediately, rubbing his nose against Andrea’s skin gently.  
  
Andrea lifts the hedgehog up and carefully wraps him inside his jacket to make him warmer, “You really must miss your trainer, huh?”  
  
Montohog sniffles inside the thick fabric and curls up against Andrea’s chest. The shivering never stops completely.  
  
  
 _XVI_  
  
Montohog is the first one to notice anything out of ordinary, his head shooting up and nose quivering excitedly, sniffing the air as if he could actually smell something not even Gigihound has managed to pick up yet.  
  
His eyes are shining bright blue, looking much healthier than Andrea has seen since he first met Montohog, and he scurries onto his favourite branch, staring into the woods as if he could see something.  
  
“Monto! Mon monto mon!” the enthusiastic cries are met with similar ones in the distance, and that is what finally picks Gigihound’s interest as he lifts his head and sniffs the air before bellowing a bark of his own.  
  
The first thing to appear from the woods is a small bird with a huge mohawk that flaps around Montohog, chirping happily.  
  
Montohog only spares the bird a glance before jumping off the branch, rushing to tackle another hedgehog – this one brown and yellow, probably ground type – that has just emerged from the bushes.  
  
The hedgehogs go rolling on the ground in one big ball, clinging to each other, and a delighted chatter of  _“Monto!”_ s and  _“Pazzo!”_ s fills the air.  
  
The man is the last one to come out of the woods, letting out a quiet “Thank God!” when he sees Montohog, but cannot say much more before Gigihound bounces over to him wagging his tail excitedly.  
  
“Ricky, I should’ve known,” Andrea acknowledges him as well, “Only you could turn a Pokémon that’s supposed to be a loner into that cuddly little busybody.”  
  
“I had absolutely no part in it, I swear,” Kakà laughs even as he crouches down to pet Gigihound, but Andrea can hear the relief in his voice, “Been a long time, Andrea. Thanks for taking care of him.”  
  
“He’s been feeling a bit under the weather, thought he was missing his trainer,” Andrea shrugs and throws a glance at the two hedgehogs still scuffling on the ground, “But I guess he had more important things to worry about.”  
  
“I bet he did. Pazzohog’s been looking absolutely miserable too,” Kakà smiles affectionately as he looks at his Pokémon, absent-mindedly scratching Gigihound’s neck with one hand while offering the other one for El Pidgeewy who lands on his palm with a thankful chirp.


	5. Meet the villains

_XVII_  
  
“Prepare for trouble!”  
  
“Make it double!”  
  
Kakà rolls his eyes impatiently, recognizing the flowing bleached hair and the hideous baseball cap immediately.  
  
“To grace the world with awesomeness!”  
  
“To blow the commoner’s consciousness!”  
  
“To go beyond the obvious!”  
  
“To be the most victorious!”  
  
Montohog and Pazzohog are peeking out of Kakà’s backpack curiously, chattering excitedly to each other as the performance unfolds. Kakà ignores the incessant Poké talk next to his ear with practiced ease.  
  
“Mexes!”  
  
“Constant!”  
  
“Team Swagger, kicking ass while looking dashing!”  
  
“Give up now or prepare for bashing!”  
  
The couple strikes a pose and a small crocodile Pokémon jumps up from behind them with an enthusiastic “Ramigator!”  
  
Kakà is looking at them with his arms crossed, less than impressed, “Aren’t you the guys who tried to capture Shevachu at every corner? Didn’t you give up already?”  
  
Montohog has climbed out of his bag and is now wobbling towards Ramigator, offering him a Poké snack with a cheerful “Mon!” before Kakà can interfere.  
  
The crocodile accepts the food happily, but Montohog is unceremoniously kicked out of the way by Constant, who in turn has to dock angry Pazzohog who tries to fling himself at him for daring to touch his friend.  
  
“Get away from them, both of you!” Kakà tells his Pokémon exasperatedly, picking up the hedgehogs before they get hurt – or make more damage to the unsuspecting villains.  
  
Mexes clears his throat to get Kakà’s attention again, puffing his chest importantly, “We’ve moved on to more profitable endeavours now. We’ve got no interest in your puny Shevachu.”  
  
“We’re in for the big bucks now,” Constant pipes in and Ramigator concurs with an absent-minded “Rami!”, still munching on the treat he got from Montohog.  
  
“What we want now is—”  
  
“Yeah, whatever, good luck with that,” Kakà interrupts the blonde with a roll of his eyes and promptly walks away, Montohog and Pazzohog balancing on his shoulders, making rude faces at the duo.  
  
  
 _XVIII_  
  
“Pazzo! Pazzo paz paz!” Pazzohog is shaking his head vehemently, rolling out of Kakà’s reach whenever he tries to catch him, shooting an odd spike at him every now and then.  
  
“I know you hate water, but you can’t go around smelling like that!” Kakà tries to reason with the Pokémon, looking pleadingly at Montohog for any kind of help, “It’s your own fault for annoying that wild Messkunk – I told you not to!”  
  
Montohog is splashing happily in the small bathtub, playing with the pink bubbles, obviously more than pleased with their little adventure. He offers no help for Kakà, however.  
  
“Look, it’s not even cold, I made Pyrotelli warm it up for you. And it has Bonbunny’s fairy dust too, you like that, don’t you?” Kakà resorts to pleading after a stray spike hits him in the nose.  
  
Pazzohog is not impressed: he sprints even farther away from the tub, looking at it suspiciously like it was an invention of the devil himself.  
  
It is at times like this that Kakà really wishes he had exercised some firmer authority over his Pokémon from the beginning. If Montohog and Pazzohog had actually listened to what he said, they would never have been attacked by a pissed off Messkunk in the first place.  
  
“That’s it! You either take the damn bath or I’m gonna force you into your Pokéball and keep you there until you change your mind,” he adopts his most commanding voice, looking at Pazzohog threateningly, “Yes, without Montohog. I swear I mean it!”  
  
Reluctantly Pazzohog comes closer and allows Kakà to lift him into the tub filled with bubblegum pink foam, whining miserably, making sure to let Kakà know what a horrible person he is.  
  
“I know I know, this’ll only take a minute,” Kakà assures the hedgehog as he starts scrubbing the brown spikes with a small brush.  
  
Montohog paddles to Pazzohog’s side, nuzzling his ear affectionately before blowing a few pink bubbles right at his friend’s face.  
  
  
 _XIX_  
  
“Prepare for trouble!”  
  
“Make it double!”  
  
“To grace the world with—”  
  
“Yeah yeah, can we get this over with?” Kakà interrupts the practiced choreography, his hand reaching for his Pokéballs in case they will have to fight their way out.  
  
Mexes looks stunned and insulted for being interrupted so soon, while Constant mutters, “That’s not in the script.”  
  
“So what do you want? You know I don’t have Shevachu with me anymore, don’t you?” Kakà decides to ignore the dejected looks on Team Swagger’s faces and goes straight to the point. This is the second time they have come after him in less than three days, so it cannot be just a coincidence.  
  
“You didn’t let us finish last time,” Mexes is the first one to recover as he points an accusing finger at Kakà, “We’re here to talk business!”  
  
“We’re in the drug business now,” Constant continues matter-of-factly, pulling out a bag full of different kinds of pills and ampoules, “And you happen to have something very valuable for us.”  
  
“You know that Bonbunny’s fairy dust can be refined into a very potent psychedelic drug, don’t you?” Mexes explains nonchalantly, like he was talking about the weather instead of illegal drugs, “We’ve got our ways of making you hand your Bonbunny over to us, but in the light of our history together, we decided to give you a chance to sell him to us before—”  
  
“No,” Kakà deadpans immediately.  
  
“We’re ready to pay you well—”  
  
“I said no,” Kakà grits out again between his teeth, holding back Montohog and Pazzohog who are preparing to attack the duo at the mere mention of taking Bonbunny away from them, “You’re not getting Bonbunny.”  
  
“Oh, too bad for you,” Mexes replies with a lazy shrug, “So, can we finish out poem now?”  
  
  
 _XX_  
  
Bonbunny is trapped in a cage suspended in the air, hanging from a high tree branch.  
  
“Bon…” he tells Kakà sadly, his ears drooping, and Kakà could swear there is a pout on his face.  
  
“Told you we’ve got our ways,” Mexes grins triumphantly, a Pokéball in his hand, ready to release his Pokémon if Kakà makes any unnecessary move, “I suggest you just leave and no one gets hurt.”  
  
“Your ways are the same as ever,” Kakà sighs as he chooses his own Pokéball, getting bored with this game before it has even started.  
  
None of the crooks notices that Montohog has climbed on the branch and started working on the bindings of the cage as they speak.  
  
“You think you’re swaggy? Maybe you should think again,” Kakà suggests with a grin as he throws his Pokéball, “Pyrotelli, use swagger!”  
  
Pyrotelli comes out with a loud pop and immediately pulls sunglasses out of thin air – Kakà later notices they were actually nicked from his bag at some point – and strikes a pose, looking challengingly at his opponents.  
  
Kakà has no idea how the little lizard manages to look down on the duo from his place on the ground, but at least the attack is effective. Team Swagger are so stunned that neither of them remembers to let out their own Pokémon. Even Ramigator stays a good five feet away from Pyrotelli.  
  
While the poachers are busy with the staring contest, Kakà releases Bonbunny with the help of Montohog and Pazzohog, who have commendably managed to lower the cage from the tree by themselves.  
  
“You okay?” Kakà asks the bunny before setting him down once he gets an affirmative answer. Bonbunny is immediately tackled from both sides by cuddly hedgehogs, and Kakà is fairly sure getting captured was more than worth this reward in the bunny’s opinion.  
  
“Okay Pyrotelli, use flame cannon!”  
  
Pyrotelli’s flames throw Team Swagger into the abyss, and the lizard looks awfully pleased with himself for having controlled the fire so well.  
  
That is until the remaining flames inside him burst out violently and set the nearest trees on fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have nothing against Milan's French squad (yes, including Constant since he grew up in France), and I'm not _particularly_ anti-Messi either. They just happened to fit the story.  
>  The Team Swagger poem is obviously based on the original Team Rocket motto. Pyrotelli's Swagger attack was inspired by [this video by Smosh](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qr_K78fQbss&list=PL2C924BB1F9863B0A).


	6. A Very Bonbunny Easter

_XXI_  
  
 _ **On Bonbunny reproduction**  
  
‘To breed like Bonbunnies’ is an old proverb referring to the sudden appearance of numerous offspring. However, even after thorough research, no scientist has managed to discover how Bonbunnies actually reproduce.  
  
Bonbunny’s baby forms, Bonbons, typically hatch from eggs laid by Pokémon with no known connection to Bonbunnies or even to other fairy type Pokémon. This has been the basis of the mainstream theory that Bonbunnies secretly leave their eggs in the care of other Pokémon right after laying them.  
  
This theory is yet unproven, as no trainer let alone a researcher has ever witnessed this type of behaviour from Bonbunnies, who are renowned for their friendly and nurturing nature.  
  
As further research on the unique qualities of Bonbunny’s fairy dust has been carried out, another theory has gained popularity.  
  
Professor Carlo Ancelotti, a leading scholar on Pokémon breeding, has carried out an extensive study which suggests that Bonbons are born to Pokémon that have come to contact with fairy dust at the time of insemination. The evidence currently available is still not conclusive, but the initial reports are cautiously optimistic.  
  
Professor Ancelotti is currently working to uncover similar patterns and specific circumstances attributed to the birth of Bonbons, although he warns that the research is still far from finished.  
  
The persistent rumours claiming that Bonbunnies lay eggs of their own at Easter time and go around hiding them in people’s belongings have been proven false year after year.  
  
Despite the fact that no Bonbon has ever hatched from these mysterious ‘Easter Eggs’, the legend of Bonbunnies hiding eggs for people to find is still popular especially among children aspiring to become Pokémon trainers. Vigorous egg hunts are expected to take place this Easter as well.  
  
(Source: The Pokémon Times – Easter Special)_  
  
  
 _XXII_  
  
“Bon! Bon bon boooon! Bon bo bon bon!” Bonbunny is excitedly explaining the plan to Montohog and Pazzohog, pulling two pairs of fake bunny ears out of thin air and placing them affectionately on each hedgehog, “Boooon bon bon!”  
  
“Monto?” Montohog tugs at Pazzohog’s fake ear curiously, not quite understanding why it is so important to do this while their trainer is asleep, but willing to go along with the plan just because he likes Bonbunny.  
  
“Bon! Bo bon booon!” Bonbunny assures his friend, nuzzling the green spikes lovingly before going back to the large pile of Pokémon eggs of various colours, offering them to his carefully chosen minions – never mind Montohog and Pazzohog were the only options as rest of Kakà’s Pokémon are sleeping safely in their Pokéballs.  
  
“Pazzo! Paz paz pazzo paz?” Pazzohog expresses his worry over the timeframe of their plan, looking suspiciously at the eggs that seem too big for them to carry around.  
  
“Bon bon!” Bonbunny replies happily, grabbing a lapful of eggs and hiding them into an invisible air pocket surrounded by sparkling pink dust – it  _should_  be against every law of physics, but fortunately neither of the hedgehogs has received any higher education.  
  
  
 _XXIII_  
  
Andrea wakes up to a sudden ruffling of leafs, always a light sleeper. He takes a look around and concludes he must still be dreaming, because there is no way the sight before him is real.  
  
There is a blindingly white bunny with pink spots splattered around his fur fussing about Gigihound who is still fast asleep – Andrea really needs to take him to a hospital to check his sense of smell sometime soon – while two little creatures that are definitely not bunnies wobble happily around the camp wearing pink bunny ears.  
  
“Mon monto mon,” Andrea turns his attention to Montohog who has just noticed he is awake. The hedgehog scurries over to him and greets him by snuggling his beard affectionately.  
  
“What’s up? You’re not lost again are you?” he asks quietly, not sure he wants to catch the bunny’s attention right away – his experiences with fairy types have not always been pleasant, and he is not willing to try his luck tonight.  
  
“Mon mon,” Montohog shakes his head immediately, nibbling Andrea’s nose in what Andrea guesses is meant to be a friendly gesture.  
  
“You’re doing something important? Should I be worried?”  
  
The colours around Andrea are getting distorted: the greens and yellows of Montohog are turning into a weird mixture of lime green, and the bunny ears are looking more and more fitting the longer he looks at them.  
  
Damn fairy types, always drugging innocent passersby – or in this case, drugging innocent people  _while passing by_.  
  
“’m gonn’ f’get dis ain’t I?” Andrea’s voice is getting groggy as he fights to stay conscious long enough to figure out what is happening around him.  
  
“Monto!” Montohog nods an affirmative, nuzzling Andrea’s cheek gleefully until he falls into a deep slumber filled with psychedelic colours, pink bunnies and annoying hedgehogs.  
  
Andrea wakes up feeling utterly disoriented only when the sun is shining high over the mountains.  
  
Gigihound is still asleep – unusual in itself – protectively curled around a bright yellow Pokémon egg that was definitely not there when they went to sleep.  
  
  
 _XXIV_  
  
“Bonbunny! How many times do I need to tell you to stop with the Easter Eggs!” Kakà is turning a big red and black egg in his hands, hoping to find any clue about its origins, unwilling to accept that a Pokémon egg could just appear into his bag out of nowhere.  
  
“Bon?” Bonbunny is looking at him innocently, but Kakà is not buying it – this Easter tradition only started when he caught Bonbunny a few years ago, and it is too convenient to be a coincidence.  
  
“You know Professor Ancelotti is gonna force me into handing you over as a test subject if he gets a sniff of this, don’t you?” he asks with a resigned tone, setting the egg down to his lap, wrapping a thick scarf around it to keep it warm, “And it’s gonna be  _boring_  there, no Montohog or Pazzohog to play with.”  
  
“Mon!” Montohog climbs on top of the egg, blobbing down on his belly as if to lend his warmth to their newest travelling companion. Pazzohog follows the suit, although to be fair, he actually ends up lying half on top of Montohog because the egg is too small for them both.  
  
“You wanna adopt a baby now? Maybe Professor wouldn’t mind having you as test subjects either…” Kakà scoffs at the duo, but cannot keep the laughter out of his voice anymore. As frustrating as his Pokémon can be, at least he cannot say his life is ever boring.  
  
The egg gives a sudden crack, startling both hedgehogs who fall right off the egg and out of Kakà’s lap, landing in a pile of brown and green spikes on the ground.  
  
The egg breaks slowly, revealing one tiny leg and then another, followed by hands pushing through the cracks, until finally the top of the egg breaks to reveal a spiky red and black head with large wondering eyes.  
  
“Toge—” the Pokémon looks around in confusion, before immediately deciding that the human holding him must be his mommy and smiling happily up at Kakà, “—Pippo!”  
  
Kakà is going to kill Bonbunny. For real this time. Right after he figures out how in the name of everything sacred did he manage to get his pink little paws on an egg of a Togepippo, that is. Not only is the species close to extinct, it is also one of the hardest ones to train  _ever_.  
  
Kakà should know – he won the last round of Pokémon League with a perfect lever Superpippo.  
  
“Toge! Pippooo!” the baby Pokémon is reaching out for Kakà’s shirt, looking about ready to cry when his small hands peaking out of the egg do not reach anything but thin air.  
  
“No! Don’t cry!” Kakà lifts Togepippo against his chest gently, rocking him in the most motherly way he can muster, “Let’s go get some milk. You like that, don’t you?”  
  
Only once Togepippo is sleeping contently – his stomach full of milk and Poké snacks, and a pile of Kakà’s clothes and blankets wrapped around him – does Kakà notice his Pokédex blinking for a new received message.  
  
 _“Sorry for the trouble, but how exactly are you supposed to take care of a baby Hoglet? What do they even eat? – Andrea”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case someone's unfamiliar with the Pokémon references: Pokémon _do_ hatch from eggs and their system of breeding is complicated as hell. Oh, and Togepippo was obviously inspired by [Togepi](http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Togepi_\(Pok%C3%A9mon\))!


End file.
